Unfortunately, with Altzheimers, changes in your life are going to be a must. I remember my brother had to put a bungee cord on the refrigerator to keep my mother from getting into it because she would pour out all the milk and orange juice into bowls for the dog to drink. Cleaning chemicals had to be put in a locked cupboard so she wouldn't think they were to be sprinkled on food when I found Drano in the refrigerator. It is a harsh reality, but you have to sometimes be 10 steps ahead of them.
As the parent of young children I was always on high alert for dangerous situations. Over the years that faded and I found myself trusting in that shift to adulthood. Now when dealing with dementia again in the family, I find that I have to transitioning back to thinking about safety and what "could happen if." It can be frightening, exhausting, beyond challenging.
The hardest thing to realize it that it is ok to treat your dear wife in ways that would be considered abusive in normal times, which theses are not. I recall a neurologists words regarding the care of my father in law, he said "It's ok to tell him a lie now, the object is to keep him free from stress and danger" Took while for that to sink in. Caregivers for Alzheimer's patients are in a league of their own, the previous rules need to be bent, broken and adjusted to the reality of the day, and only you know what that is. Sorry you are here, but there is still your loved one inside, hard to see sometimes, try music from her youth, worked like a charm for us.
I am sorry that you have to make difficult decisions about your relationship with your wife. I have two adult sons who are mentally and physically disabled. My biggest challenge when my older son was only a few months old was to accept the mental disability. The two of them are 36 and 33 years old now. There is no shame in being mentally or emotionally disabled. There is no shame in loving people who are mentally or emotionally disabled. The hard part for you might be the newness, the change in the situation. But your adjustments will be worth it. I’m sure your wife, if she had her full and prior mental faculties, would love you no less for your current physical disability. She might be anxious or annoyed about it at times, but she would love you just the same.
Compassion with caution. One of the comments on this post remembers the caution required when raising small children. Thinking that way may help all caregivers. One has to think as though the person in one's care is an impulsive three year old. Capable of the mobility of an older adult but with the discernment of a puppy as regards things like balls and shiny objects, knives, bacon, and running cars. I could not help but think your observations here could be so helpful to so many people who are in situations similar to yours. Keep writing and documenting your observations and concerns. We are all listening. Thank you!
I wish that I could give you a hug - not to cure your sad journey but to give you a wee bit of strength. You are a remarkable person whom I have long admired. Don't forget to take care of yourself also.
Alzheimer's is one of my most worse fears, God bless your wife and you. I think I would rather go via stroke or Cancer, I swear - we have seen it in our family back up in the Burlington VT area years past & it is incredible what it can do to a family like it is doing with yours. I am 87 & in reasonably good health - my wife, after 66 years of marriage, passed 3+ years ago & I miss her so but her health had diminished to the extent that she is better off, God I hate saying that , but's it's true as she would have had trouble finding real happiness w/the health problems. My prayers are with you and she and your family.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you guys. I watched 2 relatives go through this and it's hard. I admire Bella so much, she trained me for my domestic violence work.
Unfortunately, with Altzheimers, changes in your life are going to be a must. I remember my brother had to put a bungee cord on the refrigerator to keep my mother from getting into it because she would pour out all the milk and orange juice into bowls for the dog to drink. Cleaning chemicals had to be put in a locked cupboard so she wouldn't think they were to be sprinkled on food when I found Drano in the refrigerator. It is a harsh reality, but you have to sometimes be 10 steps ahead of them.
Thanks Will your sharing makes a difference
As the parent of young children I was always on high alert for dangerous situations. Over the years that faded and I found myself trusting in that shift to adulthood. Now when dealing with dementia again in the family, I find that I have to transitioning back to thinking about safety and what "could happen if." It can be frightening, exhausting, beyond challenging.
I would definitely hide the keys. Something could happen that would be unfortunate for both of you. Will put you all in my prayers.
The hardest thing to realize it that it is ok to treat your dear wife in ways that would be considered abusive in normal times, which theses are not. I recall a neurologists words regarding the care of my father in law, he said "It's ok to tell him a lie now, the object is to keep him free from stress and danger" Took while for that to sink in. Caregivers for Alzheimer's patients are in a league of their own, the previous rules need to be bent, broken and adjusted to the reality of the day, and only you know what that is. Sorry you are here, but there is still your loved one inside, hard to see sometimes, try music from her youth, worked like a charm for us.
Will, You both have so much courage. We love you. Dad
......and I should weep...
I am sorry that you have to make difficult decisions about your relationship with your wife. I have two adult sons who are mentally and physically disabled. My biggest challenge when my older son was only a few months old was to accept the mental disability. The two of them are 36 and 33 years old now. There is no shame in being mentally or emotionally disabled. There is no shame in loving people who are mentally or emotionally disabled. The hard part for you might be the newness, the change in the situation. But your adjustments will be worth it. I’m sure your wife, if she had her full and prior mental faculties, would love you no less for your current physical disability. She might be anxious or annoyed about it at times, but she would love you just the same.
Compassion with caution. One of the comments on this post remembers the caution required when raising small children. Thinking that way may help all caregivers. One has to think as though the person in one's care is an impulsive three year old. Capable of the mobility of an older adult but with the discernment of a puppy as regards things like balls and shiny objects, knives, bacon, and running cars. I could not help but think your observations here could be so helpful to so many people who are in situations similar to yours. Keep writing and documenting your observations and concerns. We are all listening. Thank you!
I wish that I could give you a hug - not to cure your sad journey but to give you a wee bit of strength. You are a remarkable person whom I have long admired. Don't forget to take care of yourself also.
Alzheimer's is one of my most worse fears, God bless your wife and you. I think I would rather go via stroke or Cancer, I swear - we have seen it in our family back up in the Burlington VT area years past & it is incredible what it can do to a family like it is doing with yours. I am 87 & in reasonably good health - my wife, after 66 years of marriage, passed 3+ years ago & I miss her so but her health had diminished to the extent that she is better off, God I hate saying that , but's it's true as she would have had trouble finding real happiness w/the health problems. My prayers are with you and she and your family.
your compassion and loyalty warms my heart.
Thanks, Will for reminding us that sharing love as a caregiver takes a lot of physical and mental strength.
So well written, so heartbreaking!
So well written, so heartbreaking.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you guys. I watched 2 relatives go through this and it's hard. I admire Bella so much, she trained me for my domestic violence work.