I too will never forget when Trump mocked that disabled reporter. I expected people to rise up in total disgust. Sadly I was very wrong. I can't believe that we are there again. How can this be....
I always admire how you manage to live in a different/difficult world with Bella. I wish you could appreciate yourself.
"confounded by our national circumstances" indeed..Having been part of a family ushering a loved one through this ordeal taught me things I didn't know that I didn't know. The ability to lack expectation is an asset, and I learned the trick slowly. It all unfolds before our eyes and we can be there for our partners, expect in return the grace of being there. She asks a good question, we need to find little bits of humor and insights and theses otherwise very trying times.Thanks for the essay Will, thanks for the reminder .
“ The ability to lack expectation is an asset…”. This is something I’ve learned in recovery and it changed my life. “Expectations are pre-meditated resentments.” Wish I’d learned it at a younger age but I’m grateful I got there eventually.
Every time I read about Bella I wish I'd had more patience with my own mom.
She didn't have Alzheimers but a form of dementia which made her become demanding and sometimes surly .... which is not who my mom was.
Trying to work full time and deal with things at home, (she lived with me for a number of years), was very difficult.
You do such a wonderful job with Bella ... your love shines through the pain of what's happening in your lives. I so wish I'd been more compassionate....Many times I was impatient as her illnesses took over my own life and it made me resentful sometimes.
As for trump.....well you know what I think!
Every morning I get up and hope he's just magically gone.
Forgive yourself for your impatience. I cared for my dad in his own home as dementia made him ever more detached from reality, until it finally became apparent we could no longer keep him safe. He never forgot who he was or who his family was, which was a blessing, but he slowly lost the ability to actually do things like mow the lawn, take out the garbage, do laundry, bathe. He became irritable and paranoid and extremely difficult yet refused to admit that things were getting out of control, even when confronted with the evidence. I lost my temper with him often, for example, arguing that since the lawn was knee high he obviously had not “just mowed it yesterday.” He fought moving to assisted living like a tiger, accusing me and my brothers of being horrible cruel people. The day he moved in, though, all of that fell away from him, and he spent his last years as happy as I’d ever seen him, living in the moment. We came to realize that as a person who had spent his life being responsible, dependable, and self sufficient, he knew on some level how badly he was f- - - ing things up and that knowledge was unbearable to him. Once all responsibility for daily living and care was lifted from him he became our dad again. His memory was completely unreliable, and what he didn’t remember he would just make up, which made for some interesting conversations, but his personality returned. My message to you is forgive yourself. You did the best you could, as I did. My takeaway is to keep reminding myself that when my kids tell me it is time to go to assisted living, it is time to go.
I get annoyed and impatient. Also, it's different when you're retired, as I am, and so not dealing with a lot of outside pressure. And I'm fortunate, because Bella is good-natured and affectionate despite what she is undergoing.
Easy essay you relate to us re: the hour to hour, day by day lessons of learning the language of this brain-damage disease gives us all pause and appreciation for the role of caregivers. You meet Bella where she is in that moment. You ensure her emotional and physical safety within her own home and elsewhere. You provide clarity and humor as she tries to make sense of her perceptions. And you take her to such special nature sanctuaries within our community which give both you and Bella respite from worldwide turmoil.
Thank you for giving me an unexpected early morning gut-level-out-loud laugh that almost needed my inhaler intervention when I read Bella’s quote “Why don’t they just shoot him?”
That level of mental clarity reflects a higher degree of cognitive function than any neurological testing can register.
It echoes the angst many of us feel re: why tRump is still allowed to be on our 🌎 planet…
We live in two worlds, yes. I highly recommend Naomi Klein’s “Doppelgänger.” She helps me understand what is happening in our world, the forces at work.
Every time I read about Bella I remember my Mother-In-Law and the struggles, I think of my own parents now and also of my close friend with a dad diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Everything you say is so relatable but of course you have had to deal with the challenges at such an earlier age in a partner. Your grace and goodness shine. Bella's comment was the best because it is so innocently childlike but something we all think but don't say. It made me laugh as did your response. At this time of life with my parents I deal with 90 year old toddlers that live on their own. I love them both but the tantrums, confusion, poor judgement and stubbornness are not something we are prepared for. With a few giggles and some tears we get through. We try to appreciate the glimpses of the people we once knew as our parents and our partners. Taking a day at a time and offering love.
Bella's not alone in thinking someone should shoot the villain. I laughed out loud. There's a special place in this world for loving caregivers. Saying that, I don't, for one minute, diminish the difficulty of the job. Thank you for your courage and willingness to shine a light your truth.
thank you again, Will, because your soft kindness and honesty always touch me, as does Bella as she moves between perfect sense (with Trump and Gaza and swimming) and an unknown space of seeing and being. Kindness touches, empathy is real....as is cruelty and ignorance and another kind of madness that is going on in the world. You have a book here...about you and Bella and how you both move in the world. There is a book "The Majesty of Your Loving" about living consciously with the loss of consciousness....and that is what you are doing so deeply.
I'm glad you have your time in morning to share your thoughts, about Bella and, well, about everything. Ken and your columns are always thoughtful and insightful. Keep em coming!
Bella’s comment about Trump - “‘Can’t someone just shoot him’ she says” - echoes, in a sad and ironic way, what a woman in Argyle said recently at an Argyle Town Board meeting about asylum seekers who could have, if welcomed, move to Argyle to live and work. This woman said “Can’t we just shoot them?”
I too will never forget when Trump mocked that disabled reporter. I expected people to rise up in total disgust. Sadly I was very wrong. I can't believe that we are there again. How can this be....
I always admire how you manage to live in a different/difficult world with Bella. I wish you could appreciate yourself.
"confounded by our national circumstances" indeed..Having been part of a family ushering a loved one through this ordeal taught me things I didn't know that I didn't know. The ability to lack expectation is an asset, and I learned the trick slowly. It all unfolds before our eyes and we can be there for our partners, expect in return the grace of being there. She asks a good question, we need to find little bits of humor and insights and theses otherwise very trying times.Thanks for the essay Will, thanks for the reminder .
Beautifully expressed!
“ The ability to lack expectation is an asset…”. This is something I’ve learned in recovery and it changed my life. “Expectations are pre-meditated resentments.” Wish I’d learned it at a younger age but I’m grateful I got there eventually.
Every time I read about Bella I wish I'd had more patience with my own mom.
She didn't have Alzheimers but a form of dementia which made her become demanding and sometimes surly .... which is not who my mom was.
Trying to work full time and deal with things at home, (she lived with me for a number of years), was very difficult.
You do such a wonderful job with Bella ... your love shines through the pain of what's happening in your lives. I so wish I'd been more compassionate....Many times I was impatient as her illnesses took over my own life and it made me resentful sometimes.
As for trump.....well you know what I think!
Every morning I get up and hope he's just magically gone.
My best to you Will.
Forgive yourself for your impatience. I cared for my dad in his own home as dementia made him ever more detached from reality, until it finally became apparent we could no longer keep him safe. He never forgot who he was or who his family was, which was a blessing, but he slowly lost the ability to actually do things like mow the lawn, take out the garbage, do laundry, bathe. He became irritable and paranoid and extremely difficult yet refused to admit that things were getting out of control, even when confronted with the evidence. I lost my temper with him often, for example, arguing that since the lawn was knee high he obviously had not “just mowed it yesterday.” He fought moving to assisted living like a tiger, accusing me and my brothers of being horrible cruel people. The day he moved in, though, all of that fell away from him, and he spent his last years as happy as I’d ever seen him, living in the moment. We came to realize that as a person who had spent his life being responsible, dependable, and self sufficient, he knew on some level how badly he was f- - - ing things up and that knowledge was unbearable to him. Once all responsibility for daily living and care was lifted from him he became our dad again. His memory was completely unreliable, and what he didn’t remember he would just make up, which made for some interesting conversations, but his personality returned. My message to you is forgive yourself. You did the best you could, as I did. My takeaway is to keep reminding myself that when my kids tell me it is time to go to assisted living, it is time to go.
All of that ... Thank you. Your words hit home .
I get annoyed and impatient. Also, it's different when you're retired, as I am, and so not dealing with a lot of outside pressure. And I'm fortunate, because Bella is good-natured and affectionate despite what she is undergoing.
Easy essay you relate to us re: the hour to hour, day by day lessons of learning the language of this brain-damage disease gives us all pause and appreciation for the role of caregivers. You meet Bella where she is in that moment. You ensure her emotional and physical safety within her own home and elsewhere. You provide clarity and humor as she tries to make sense of her perceptions. And you take her to such special nature sanctuaries within our community which give both you and Bella respite from worldwide turmoil.
Thank you for giving me an unexpected early morning gut-level-out-loud laugh that almost needed my inhaler intervention when I read Bella’s quote “Why don’t they just shoot him?”
That level of mental clarity reflects a higher degree of cognitive function than any neurological testing can register.
It echoes the angst many of us feel re: why tRump is still allowed to be on our 🌎 planet…
Thank you for your insightful and touching comments.
We live in two worlds, yes. I highly recommend Naomi Klein’s “Doppelgänger.” She helps me understand what is happening in our world, the forces at work.
Every time I read about Bella I remember my Mother-In-Law and the struggles, I think of my own parents now and also of my close friend with a dad diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Everything you say is so relatable but of course you have had to deal with the challenges at such an earlier age in a partner. Your grace and goodness shine. Bella's comment was the best because it is so innocently childlike but something we all think but don't say. It made me laugh as did your response. At this time of life with my parents I deal with 90 year old toddlers that live on their own. I love them both but the tantrums, confusion, poor judgement and stubbornness are not something we are prepared for. With a few giggles and some tears we get through. We try to appreciate the glimpses of the people we once knew as our parents and our partners. Taking a day at a time and offering love.
Bella's not alone in thinking someone should shoot the villain. I laughed out loud. There's a special place in this world for loving caregivers. Saying that, I don't, for one minute, diminish the difficulty of the job. Thank you for your courage and willingness to shine a light your truth.
thank you again, Will, because your soft kindness and honesty always touch me, as does Bella as she moves between perfect sense (with Trump and Gaza and swimming) and an unknown space of seeing and being. Kindness touches, empathy is real....as is cruelty and ignorance and another kind of madness that is going on in the world. You have a book here...about you and Bella and how you both move in the world. There is a book "The Majesty of Your Loving" about living consciously with the loss of consciousness....and that is what you are doing so deeply.
Thanks for sharing this piece of grace.
Love your writing; beautiful video…. Thank you for bringing calm in a stressful world….
❤️
Unconditional love. It shines from you, and it's not easy. Thanks for sharing, Will.
I'm glad you have your time in morning to share your thoughts, about Bella and, well, about everything. Ken and your columns are always thoughtful and insightful. Keep em coming!
Can’t wait to see her interesting and informative quilts. A show well worth seeing!
Bella’s comment about Trump - “‘Can’t someone just shoot him’ she says” - echoes, in a sad and ironic way, what a woman in Argyle said recently at an Argyle Town Board meeting about asylum seekers who could have, if welcomed, move to Argyle to live and work. This woman said “Can’t we just shoot them?”