FLASHBACK: Joseph brought us together for one final trip
DoorDash shooter in Orange County gets 17 years for shooting
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Editor’s Note: This column was originally published in The Front Page newsletter on July 1, 2024 after a family trip to Virginia. Our son, Joseph, was working in New Orleans and was in Virginia for a wedding. At the last minute he called and wondered if we wanted to meet him in Virginia. When I wrote this at the time, I had no idea how significant it would be. But I look back and thank Joseph for bringing us all together one last time.
It was 10 years ago my son graduated from high school.
Like any parent, I was happy and proud and a little wary of what life would be like without my only son at the dinner table.
That night after graduation I bared my soul in a column I still can’t read without soaking the front of my shirt with tears. But age has a way of adding perspective, and a decade later there is a different realization of why those tears flowed.
It was about what I had gained, not what I was about to lose.
Three years earlier as my son embarked on his sophomore year of high school, my wife was diagnosed with stage three ovarian cancer. She was 53.
After removing a grapefruit-sized tumor that September evening, the surgeon called me into the little room adjacent to the waiting room and told me he had removed six liters of fluid and gotten all the cancer. When I asked for a prognosis, he told me survival statistics were 50-50 for three years.
I did the math.
In those weeks afterward, the goal became to get Gillian to her son’s high school graduation.
There were swim meets, parent-teacher conferences, play performances, orchestra concerts, proms, formals, college visits and many long, philosophical discussions late at night around the dinner table.
Those graduation photos have such a special meaning beyond the obvious milestone. Maybe that’s why you can see me choking back the tears. Yeah, I was proud of my son, but maybe the bigger accomplishment was Gillian was there to see it all.
In April 2012, I wrote about those first six months of chemotherapy — two weeks on, three weeks off — and how our two-hour drives across the backroads of Vermont to Burlington became our normal Friday routine.
“She made it seem easy,” I wrote at the time. “She made it seem normal, so ho-hum what she was going through, and that allowed us to go on with our lives. That was a great gift.”
It was the only time I wrote about her cancer, but it was always hovering in the background, stalking her. She never saw it as some courageous fight to be honored or marveled at, just something she lived through, despite limitations it sometimes imposed.
She did not see that as anything special.
She did not see that as anything out of the ordinary.
Just part of life, part of her life.
I asked her the other day if she ever thought about writing about her experience of living with cancer the past 13 years.
She shook her head without hesitation, incredulous there was anything significant about her experience.
I pointed out she had visited doctors in Burlington, Buffalo and Boston and absorbed more rounds of toxic drugs than many of her doctors thought possible. She had been treated with surgery, chemotherapy and radiation.
When we took the train to Buffalo’s cancer center a few years ago, we were kept waiting in the examining room for more than two hours.
The doctor was a big-shot cancer specialist who was in high demand and very busy and did not have a chance to review Gillian’s medical history until the time of her appointment. From time to time, an intern or medical student would come in and ask a few more questions. They seemed to be stalling for time as we waited, and waited and waited.
When the doctor finally arrived, she said she had never seen a history of chemotherapy quite so voluminous. She couldn’t compare it to anything she had seen in the past because any comparable patient had already died.
I told my wife it was a compliment.
The treatments, the side effects and the worry are the most significant part of the journey.
Dealing with insurance companies, copays and pharmacies sometimes wore her down more significantly than the toxic chemicals being pumped into her body.
Gillian is a marvel to behold during a medical appointment. As a retired RN, she can hold her own with any nurse or oncologist. I’ve watched her infuse herself at home, reset pumps in the hospital and recently she even drew her own blood from her port because the nurse on duty could not do it.
There were times when I saw her in despair, but they are rare.
In these past 13 years we have traveled more, done more and enjoyed life more than the previous 30 years combined. The clock was ticking and we did not want to waste a second.
The grander message is that cancer does not mean your life is over. For us, it meant it was just beginning.
That day nearly 13 years ago as I weighed the odds, I suppose I was selfishly wondering how long I would have a wife and Joseph a mother.
I’m only, shockingly, realizing now it was Joseph and I who needed her more than she needed us.
She was holding everything together and making our lives better.
Two weeks ago, Gillian had another one of those setbacks where she had to spend a few days in the hospital.
Joseph had invited us to meet him in Virginia for a few days and the trip appeared in jeopardy. But a few days after exiting the hospital, she was out there with us, touring a Civil War battlefield and visiting the homes of Thomas Jefferson and James Madison.
She probably should have stayed home and recuperated further, but she didn’t want to miss anything.
Living her life is what it is all about.
That’s something we all should remember. I remember it every year at graduation time.
Editor’s Note: It was Gillian’s last trip. I don’t remember if she ever said anything about this column, but her health worsened in the weeks afterward. She passed away seven weeks later and we spread her ashes in her beloved Hawaii that December. I spent the rest of the winter with Joseph in New Orleans. I live in the building next door to him in the Warehouse District and it’s not unusual to find us at a Tulane game, a Mardi Gras parade or having dinner and watching television after he finishes work. Last night, we went to the Shakespeare Festival to see King Lear. I think Gillian would be happy to know that both of us continue to live our lives to the fullest.
Shooter sentenced
The former highway superintendent in Orange County who shot a DoorDash driver when he knocked on his door, was sentenced to 17 years in prison Monday, according to the Times Union.
Prosecutors asked for a 24-year sentence for John Reilly, who is 49.
His wife, Selena Nelson-Reilly, accepted a plea deal for deleting doorbell camera videos of the shooting, but will not have to serve any time in jail. She was sentenced to one year of probation and 200 hours of community service.
Prosecutors said Reilly’s actions showed “depraved indifference to human life.” The prosecutor also said the victim is forced to live with life-altering injures because of the shooting.
Suing Pentagon - again
The New York Times is again suing the Defense Department for First Amendment violations for requiring journalists to have an official escort at all times when visiting the Pentagon.
The newspaper won an earlier lawsuit.
The Times reported that the new lawsuit says the escort policy is unconstitutional because it imposes unreasonable burdens on reporters.
The Times wrote that journalists must “call or email for an appointment, wait for a response, get an escort, ask their question” and then leave the building.
Obviously, that slows down the reporting process which, of course, is the intent.
Greenland again
While the Louisiana state Legislature was redrawing its congressional districts, Gov. Jeff Landry was taking a friendship tour of Greenland.
When The New Orleans Times-Picayune asked for information about Landry’s trip, the press office said it had no information to share.
But media coverage in Scandinavian countries was plentiful.
Gov. Landry attend a trade fair in Nuuk for about a half hour, but he had to pay his own way since he was not invited.
After meeting with Gov. Landry, Greenland’s Prime Minister Jens-Frederick Nielsen said his country has “red lines” that are not going to change.
The New York Times reported that negotiators from Greenland, Denmark and the U.S. have been meeting quietly for months in an attempt to give Trump an off ramp from his attempt to acquire Greenland. But Greenlanders are concerned that if the Iran war winds down, Trump will turn his attention back to their country.
Wasting money
Here is a good example of the expectations for college football coaches in the Southeastern Conference and how colleges are not fiscally responsible.
Ed Orgeron coached LSU from 2016 to 2021, and in 2019, with Joe Burrow as his quarterback, LSU won the national championship. The Times Picayune described it as one of the greatest seasons in college football history.
You’d think that would get you some job security.
Two years later, Orgeron was fired after seven games. As part of his buyout, he was allowed to coach the final five games of the season and the school paid him $17 million in equal monthly installments over the next four years.
This past week, Orgeron agreed to return to LSU as an assistant coach.
I guess all is forgiven.
Ken Tingley spent more than four decades working in small community newspapers in upstate New York. Since retirement in 2020 he has written three books and his play “The Last American Newspaper” is being produced by Capital Repertory Theatre in Albany Sept. 25 to Oct. 18 . He currently lives in both Queensbury, N.Y. and New Orleans, La.
As a survivor myself your story about your wife hit home. I understand the part about pushing thru the cancer & treatments as an inconvenience. Better that than to be overwhelmed by the obvious potential serious consequences. It may have been brave but it was really about making the best choice daily, for everyone. And now you’re doing the same.
...thanks for all / Greenland: again?! One would say, "Stop the insanity!" -but calling whatshisface & all of them insane relieves them of responsibility for their innumerable despicable, and vile, statements and actions; they know what they're doing, methodically attempting to dismantle democracy and decency / Put another way, they seem to be miserable people- trying to make everyone else [in the world] miserable [and worse]. / -May. they. all. fail. : miserably...