I have a saying, "Better out than in". After reading what you just wrote, it almost sounds like you're trying to outrun grief. You are making changes, including moving. Can't say as I blame you, grief is not something people like to experience, but it IS a part of life too, and I don't want to see you go through an absolute break- down later down the road. Allow yourself to grieve. You will be able to move on much easier after. It will make accepting her death a little easier, and you will be able to go on, and make memories of her less painful.
I didn't think I could ever stay in my house after Lynne, my wife of 35 years died. But I am still here and now I am so glad I stayed and got past all you need to process in those first few years after the loss. It's almost nine years now and something Uncle Joe said helped, and that was that the time will come when the thought of your dearly departed will put a smile on your face before it puts a tear in your eye. We never get over it, but we do get used to it. I am now re-married and it is a complicated situation and I sometimes feel the pang of guilt for being in a good and happy relationship. So I try to imagine the shoe on the other foot....It all takes time, and I discovered I hurt in places I didn't know I had, but it served me well. Keep the faith brother, sometimes you just stand there and hurt.
I am not sure 'used to it' is the right phrase.. A therapist I was interviewing once said to me: 'you don't get over a loss, the loss never goes away, but you can accept it and thus move on with your life.'
And in the context the therapist was saying, by accepting, you aren't forgetting, but knowing that person (or pet) still exists with you in spirit and memories.. but is not physically with you.
You, like Mr. Tingley, can now see things that remind you of your wife, and hopefully bring back wonderful memories and how lucky you were to forge those memories with someone you loved.
I lived in New Orleans for a bit in the early 2000s - it’s a magical city, and the perfect place to begin a new chapter. And it’s wildly dog friendly. Wishing you and Sophie all sorts of wonderful adventures.
When a loved one dies, our grief is equal to the love we had for them. In the future, we shouldn't forget how much they loved us. Leaving us may have been the hardest part of dying for them. We wish we knew their dying wish for us. Because they loved us, that wish may have been: "Forgive yourself, love yourself, love your loved ones, and love life with all your might." That may be one way we can honor their memory and their life.
As a hospice nurse and chaplain I witnessed the process of “anticipatory grief,” experienced by patients, spouses, and family members of patients with terminal illnesses. There are many “rehearsals” for death when diseases, and some chemo and other treatment modalities create side effects which can mimic impending death…or affect a patient’s desire to hold onto this side of earthly sufferings.
The transitions from Hope for a cure…to Hope for more time…to Hope for release from a life of end-stage suffering… is a unique journey, often over-judged and second-guessed when a surviving spouse seems to moving on too rapidly for other people’s comfort level. What may be perceived as “running away” from feelings can, and often is a survival mode for preserving the essence of the lost loved one… by seeking and finding new avenues for channeling grief, while honoring the family bonds a husband and wife co-created.
Your therapeutic writings have been, and always will be a healthy, healing balm for your soul-deep wounds. as well as your son’s, your brother, and countless others, Ken…no matter where you choose to live, for any duration. And for that we are all grateful.
Thank you so much for such kind words. I still feel like I let Gillian down in some way, that we were cheated out of that last goodbye, but the stories I've told here do help and it is getting better with time. A year ago, I started the decorating project at the Chapman. I think I believed a big part of it was her, so she could have that joy she always had at Christmas. I'm only coming to realize it was probably for me and a way to not only honor her, but remember her.
You are doing great, Ken. And sharing with us - in such a beautiful, transparent way - is a gift to us as well as a gift to yourself. Thanks and Merry Christmas.
there is an advocacy day to rally for the bottle bill and the less perfect Repackaging Bill on Jan 28 in Albany. Contact North Country Earth Action (ladamson27@gmail.com) for information OR go to the beyondplastics.org website. Like so much today, including the rallies presently going on in Albany to get Gov. Hochul to sign the climate Superfund Act and introduce the NY Heat Act again in her budget, pressure has to come from us. We can't assume our legislators will pass these critical bills without relentless work from their constituents.
I joined the paid subscription to make a good start of the new year...
I say this not to get a pat on the back, but to complain, as I am wont to do.
my confusion:
ª when I clicked subscribe.. I never learned if the payment goes all to substack or part or all to the person I was reading
ª I was given a price and what it would cost per month, but not clear (I will so find out) if the total sum was taken from my credit card (preferred) or in monthly installments
ª my fear, because everyone seems to do this.. am I locked into them every Dec16 taking money from me... or do I get to say I want (or not) reenlist?
===
Different topic: Everyone under the age of 50.. pretend like you are retirement age
• what are you doing to streamline social security... when I went on it, I spent no less than five hours over five days on hold
• if you have to wait on hold for 90 minutes, isn't that a sign not enough people are working for SS
• to stop the Rich Republicans from stealing SS
Mr. Tingley, I assume you went through this, and maybe more with the passing of your wife. Can I assume it was less than desirable for you as well?
Now all of you under the age of 50, especially if you are under the age of 30, With the way current finances are going, I suspect you will start on preparing for retirement later, likely because you are going to be paying off college loans and a forever mortgage payment..
One of the things that so many people don’t quite grasp, especially those who think hmpy trmPEDO was a good idea, is many of the programs coming are going to not just restrict your opportunities to earn money, but give the corporate world the chance to funnel profits to stock holders and CEO’s. At the expense of the people working to make those profits.
AND imagine you worked 30 years or so... say for a newspaper, that through their not so smart business endeavors goes bankrupt.. and now have the freedom to say, they don’t need to honor the retirements they promised and will not give out in the future...
Personally, I find it ironic that SS (elon’s and vivek’s doge) want to (perhaps) take away SS from folks like myself who as a boomer, was one of the largest group of contributors.
As I was rambling around on my computer.. something struck me....
"$23.6 million for fiscal year 2024 "
2024 was an election year... AND, in spite of the doom and gloom of: everything-is-too-expensive gQpes.... Everything I have read about early cristmas sales have been record setting.
This fact *should* parlay advertising revenue into newspapers. The fact that it did not.. isn't just a sign of the times... but an example that newspapers are spiraling down and they don't know how to make lemonade.
yes, or mostly, but many small newspapers didn't depend on K-mart, they depended on the local hardware store.. and elections
Of course, now there is the death spiral.. I don't think many people place classsifieds (say for a garage sale) a lot to do with declining readership and mostly depend on craigslist or facebook market place
The mom and pops were part of the picture, but the big stores drove them out of business. We made a lot of money on circular from stores like K-Mart, Sears, Caldor and Walmart. Remember when the Black Friday paper was huge because it was filled with 100 ciruclars. Now, those stories just send out an email blast.
There are still local businesses... for example there are few 'walmart' car dealerships; and in small towns there are 'chain' hardware stores (not lowes or home depot, but truevalues) that are often owned locally. {Add hair salons, barbers, gyms, liquor stores, artist and art coops}.
I ask my 'car guy' and my 'gym owner' where they advertise.. both had the same answer: "I don't know." their answer was: I don't know where to spend my money --> where it will be seen, (ads are expensive).
I don't know how much a circular costs.. but say it is $500... you have to sell at least one used car to make it worth while, which means you have to have a couple thousand eyes on that ad/circular, I don't think the local 'adk empty-prise' has that many eyes on it.
And I am pretty sure you are aware of this: the three papers in the Saranac/Tupper/Placid Lakes, continue to cut back on reporting but not so much on ad people.
You took out a $50 paid yearly subscription so you will be notified a year from now that your subscription is up. Substack takes 10 percent of any paid subscriptions, but payments go through something called Stripe and Will and i get that money weekly after Substack and Stripe fees.
My experience with Social Security (2020) was pretty good. I did everything online and never had to go through the phone call problem. I believe they now require you to have an online account to set everything up, or encourage strongly.
The one thing I know is that Social Security has always been running out of money and there were times it looked doubtful I would ever collect. But Congress raised the retirement (for full benefits) and it was extended. Of course another crisis is looming.
The thing most people don't realize is that the government stops taking out Social Security taxes after your earnings reach $176,000. If they upped that to say, $500,000 that would probably add a lot of life to Social Security. Easy fix, but of course Republicans are against that. Voters should make that an issue.
I find it reprehensible that it is $176,000.. and likely the same about $500,000..
especially when people (usually rich pundits making well over $500,000) say: the rich pay their share
Or the other dishonest statement "The rich pay most of the income taxes" but they don't mean percentage-wise As Warren Buffet pointed out his secretary paid a way higher percentage than he did.
{{Worse that last argument leaves out the fact that those rich guys who pay a small percentage on their income*, usually own businesses that pay little or now taxes
* even 'their income is a lie. For example when Mitt Romney ran for president it was pointed out he paid something like 10%... BUT about half of his REAL income was paid to a bank in the Caymans, where he paid NO income taxes.
In other words telling a line ON two other lies..
Then guys like Mitt say the pay what they are ‘legally required.’ Of course he does and what is ‘legally required’ is because of the laws he and/or his lobbyists wrote!}}
When my mother died, my father, brother and I got through our first Christmas without her by combining some of our traditions with some totally new activities. While it was still sad, the differences were something to look forward to, and we knew mom would approve. Sadly, my father died 6 months after my mother, so my brother and I have had to invent yet another way to get through the holiday. Six years later, its not always easy, but we continue to blend the old and the new to get through the day.
That's a big reason behind this trip. I can't think of anything more different than Christmas in New Orleans. I may not like it, but it will be different.
I will not wish you a Merry Christmas but wish you a memorable one. When people say “ You will be better in time”, I cringe. When we experience the death of a loved one , in your case your beloved wife and in my case my son, things don’t get better, they just become different. I am wishing you peace and love on your new journey.
This is really beautiful. You’re right, the feelings of adulthood don’t get talked about enough and we need them.
you, like myself, can find beauty in an essay like this.... and
As long as we can continue to do so..we have hope.
As long as you are with Joseph and Sophie, Gillian will be happy. And as long as Sofie is with you, she will be happy!
She seemed happy to see me when I returned from Hawaii.
Of course she was!!
You are her family, Ken - as was Gillian. Animals really cant understand how one of their family can just disappear - sometimes humans cant either.
💕✌️🖖
I have a saying, "Better out than in". After reading what you just wrote, it almost sounds like you're trying to outrun grief. You are making changes, including moving. Can't say as I blame you, grief is not something people like to experience, but it IS a part of life too, and I don't want to see you go through an absolute break- down later down the road. Allow yourself to grieve. You will be able to move on much easier after. It will make accepting her death a little easier, and you will be able to go on, and make memories of her less painful.
I didn't think I could ever stay in my house after Lynne, my wife of 35 years died. But I am still here and now I am so glad I stayed and got past all you need to process in those first few years after the loss. It's almost nine years now and something Uncle Joe said helped, and that was that the time will come when the thought of your dearly departed will put a smile on your face before it puts a tear in your eye. We never get over it, but we do get used to it. I am now re-married and it is a complicated situation and I sometimes feel the pang of guilt for being in a good and happy relationship. So I try to imagine the shoe on the other foot....It all takes time, and I discovered I hurt in places I didn't know I had, but it served me well. Keep the faith brother, sometimes you just stand there and hurt.
Thanks for the advice.
I am not sure 'used to it' is the right phrase.. A therapist I was interviewing once said to me: 'you don't get over a loss, the loss never goes away, but you can accept it and thus move on with your life.'
And in the context the therapist was saying, by accepting, you aren't forgetting, but knowing that person (or pet) still exists with you in spirit and memories.. but is not physically with you.
You, like Mr. Tingley, can now see things that remind you of your wife, and hopefully bring back wonderful memories and how lucky you were to forge those memories with someone you loved.
Well said and that is absolutely the case.
Here is a complementary article about The Des Moines Register, which is a part of Lee Enterprises, and the retirement of their editor: https://paragraphstacker.substack.com/?utm_campaign=pub&utm_medium=web
I lived in New Orleans for a bit in the early 2000s - it’s a magical city, and the perfect place to begin a new chapter. And it’s wildly dog friendly. Wishing you and Sophie all sorts of wonderful adventures.
I don't expect it to be permanent, but for now it seems like the right place to be so my son and I can be close.
When a loved one dies, our grief is equal to the love we had for them. In the future, we shouldn't forget how much they loved us. Leaving us may have been the hardest part of dying for them. We wish we knew their dying wish for us. Because they loved us, that wish may have been: "Forgive yourself, love yourself, love your loved ones, and love life with all your might." That may be one way we can honor their memory and their life.
Thank you. Well said.
I hope your trip brings you some comfort. And oh, please, don't stop writing the truth for your devoted readers.
The writing is part of my DNA. When I stop that, you will know I am in trouble.
As a hospice nurse and chaplain I witnessed the process of “anticipatory grief,” experienced by patients, spouses, and family members of patients with terminal illnesses. There are many “rehearsals” for death when diseases, and some chemo and other treatment modalities create side effects which can mimic impending death…or affect a patient’s desire to hold onto this side of earthly sufferings.
The transitions from Hope for a cure…to Hope for more time…to Hope for release from a life of end-stage suffering… is a unique journey, often over-judged and second-guessed when a surviving spouse seems to moving on too rapidly for other people’s comfort level. What may be perceived as “running away” from feelings can, and often is a survival mode for preserving the essence of the lost loved one… by seeking and finding new avenues for channeling grief, while honoring the family bonds a husband and wife co-created.
Your therapeutic writings have been, and always will be a healthy, healing balm for your soul-deep wounds. as well as your son’s, your brother, and countless others, Ken…no matter where you choose to live, for any duration. And for that we are all grateful.
Thank you so much for such kind words. I still feel like I let Gillian down in some way, that we were cheated out of that last goodbye, but the stories I've told here do help and it is getting better with time. A year ago, I started the decorating project at the Chapman. I think I believed a big part of it was her, so she could have that joy she always had at Christmas. I'm only coming to realize it was probably for me and a way to not only honor her, but remember her.
hopefully comfort AND joy*, it is the holidays ;-)
* God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
You are doing great, Ken. And sharing with us - in such a beautiful, transparent way - is a gift to us as well as a gift to yourself. Thanks and Merry Christmas.
there is an advocacy day to rally for the bottle bill and the less perfect Repackaging Bill on Jan 28 in Albany. Contact North Country Earth Action (ladamson27@gmail.com) for information OR go to the beyondplastics.org website. Like so much today, including the rallies presently going on in Albany to get Gov. Hochul to sign the climate Superfund Act and introduce the NY Heat Act again in her budget, pressure has to come from us. We can't assume our legislators will pass these critical bills without relentless work from their constituents.
I joined the paid subscription to make a good start of the new year...
I say this not to get a pat on the back, but to complain, as I am wont to do.
my confusion:
ª when I clicked subscribe.. I never learned if the payment goes all to substack or part or all to the person I was reading
ª I was given a price and what it would cost per month, but not clear (I will so find out) if the total sum was taken from my credit card (preferred) or in monthly installments
ª my fear, because everyone seems to do this.. am I locked into them every Dec16 taking money from me... or do I get to say I want (or not) reenlist?
===
Different topic: Everyone under the age of 50.. pretend like you are retirement age
• what are you doing to streamline social security... when I went on it, I spent no less than five hours over five days on hold
• if you have to wait on hold for 90 minutes, isn't that a sign not enough people are working for SS
• to stop the Rich Republicans from stealing SS
Mr. Tingley, I assume you went through this, and maybe more with the passing of your wife. Can I assume it was less than desirable for you as well?
Now all of you under the age of 50, especially if you are under the age of 30, With the way current finances are going, I suspect you will start on preparing for retirement later, likely because you are going to be paying off college loans and a forever mortgage payment..
One of the things that so many people don’t quite grasp, especially those who think hmpy trmPEDO was a good idea, is many of the programs coming are going to not just restrict your opportunities to earn money, but give the corporate world the chance to funnel profits to stock holders and CEO’s. At the expense of the people working to make those profits.
AND imagine you worked 30 years or so... say for a newspaper, that through their not so smart business endeavors goes bankrupt.. and now have the freedom to say, they don’t need to honor the retirements they promised and will not give out in the future...
Personally, I find it ironic that SS (elon’s and vivek’s doge) want to (perhaps) take away SS from folks like myself who as a boomer, was one of the largest group of contributors.
My credit card app shows it was all at once.
It says you chose the $50 yearly option. It sounds like you meant to choose the $5 monthly option. But you save $10 by going yearly.
nope.. It was the one-time choice that I wanted..
making it worse that one was listed three times
and the $5 - > once
and free - > once
You can always cancel and you will just be charged the $5.
again, I am happy with it.. It just wasn't clear...
this.. though not really.. is how I like it
Read for year.. enjoyed.. I feel I paid for 2024. ...
buying internet subscriptions is kind of like buy a book before it was written
I guess newspaper subscriptions would have the same description.
As I was rambling around on my computer.. something struck me....
"$23.6 million for fiscal year 2024 "
2024 was an election year... AND, in spite of the doom and gloom of: everything-is-too-expensive gQpes.... Everything I have read about early cristmas sales have been record setting.
This fact *should* parlay advertising revenue into newspapers. The fact that it did not.. isn't just a sign of the times... but an example that newspapers are spiraling down and they don't know how to make lemonade.
The big department stores that advertise in newspapers are being driven out of business by Amazon. The business model for newspapers is broken.
yes, or mostly, but many small newspapers didn't depend on K-mart, they depended on the local hardware store.. and elections
Of course, now there is the death spiral.. I don't think many people place classsifieds (say for a garage sale) a lot to do with declining readership and mostly depend on craigslist or facebook market place
The mom and pops were part of the picture, but the big stores drove them out of business. We made a lot of money on circular from stores like K-Mart, Sears, Caldor and Walmart. Remember when the Black Friday paper was huge because it was filled with 100 ciruclars. Now, those stories just send out an email blast.
true
but not exactly true
There are still local businesses... for example there are few 'walmart' car dealerships; and in small towns there are 'chain' hardware stores (not lowes or home depot, but truevalues) that are often owned locally. {Add hair salons, barbers, gyms, liquor stores, artist and art coops}.
I ask my 'car guy' and my 'gym owner' where they advertise.. both had the same answer: "I don't know." their answer was: I don't know where to spend my money --> where it will be seen, (ads are expensive).
I don't know how much a circular costs.. but say it is $500... you have to sell at least one used car to make it worth while, which means you have to have a couple thousand eyes on that ad/circular, I don't think the local 'adk empty-prise' has that many eyes on it.
And I am pretty sure you are aware of this: the three papers in the Saranac/Tupper/Placid Lakes, continue to cut back on reporting but not so much on ad people.
Edward,
You took out a $50 paid yearly subscription so you will be notified a year from now that your subscription is up. Substack takes 10 percent of any paid subscriptions, but payments go through something called Stripe and Will and i get that money weekly after Substack and Stripe fees.
My experience with Social Security (2020) was pretty good. I did everything online and never had to go through the phone call problem. I believe they now require you to have an online account to set everything up, or encourage strongly.
The one thing I know is that Social Security has always been running out of money and there were times it looked doubtful I would ever collect. But Congress raised the retirement (for full benefits) and it was extended. Of course another crisis is looming.
The thing most people don't realize is that the government stops taking out Social Security taxes after your earnings reach $176,000. If they upped that to say, $500,000 that would probably add a lot of life to Social Security. Easy fix, but of course Republicans are against that. Voters should make that an issue.
Thanks for supporting The Front Page.
Ken T
Thanks for the substack info
I find it reprehensible that it is $176,000.. and likely the same about $500,000..
especially when people (usually rich pundits making well over $500,000) say: the rich pay their share
Or the other dishonest statement "The rich pay most of the income taxes" but they don't mean percentage-wise As Warren Buffet pointed out his secretary paid a way higher percentage than he did.
{{Worse that last argument leaves out the fact that those rich guys who pay a small percentage on their income*, usually own businesses that pay little or now taxes
* even 'their income is a lie. For example when Mitt Romney ran for president it was pointed out he paid something like 10%... BUT about half of his REAL income was paid to a bank in the Caymans, where he paid NO income taxes.
In other words telling a line ON two other lies..
Then guys like Mitt say the pay what they are ‘legally required.’ Of course he does and what is ‘legally required’ is because of the laws he and/or his lobbyists wrote!}}
Best of luck in your new adventure.
Thanks for sharing Ken. I learn a little bit from all of your travels.
We plan on balancing the driving with trips to some new historic sites along the route, so you will be seeing some travelogue in the coming weeks.
So do I.
When my mother died, my father, brother and I got through our first Christmas without her by combining some of our traditions with some totally new activities. While it was still sad, the differences were something to look forward to, and we knew mom would approve. Sadly, my father died 6 months after my mother, so my brother and I have had to invent yet another way to get through the holiday. Six years later, its not always easy, but we continue to blend the old and the new to get through the day.
That's a big reason behind this trip. I can't think of anything more different than Christmas in New Orleans. I may not like it, but it will be different.
Dear Ken,
I will not wish you a Merry Christmas but wish you a memorable one. When people say “ You will be better in time”, I cringe. When we experience the death of a loved one , in your case your beloved wife and in my case my son, things don’t get better, they just become different. I am wishing you peace and love on your new journey.
Sometimes different is good, and it is ok to wish me a "Merry Christmas," it's just going to be more challenging realizing it.