Hoping that our journeys aren't too polar
Book on fateful expedition offers comforting contrast
Reading “The Worst Journey in the World,” a book about an English team’s attempt to reach the South Pole, I can’t help thinking about the Alzheimer’s journey Bella and I are on.
It’s a ridiculous comparison, which is maybe why it keeps popping up in my mind. Polar exploration in that era — the Terra Nova expedition that Robert Scott led took place from 1910 to 1913 — was primarily a matter of extreme physical suffering.
Part of the expedition involved author Apsley Cherry-Garrard’s “winter journey,” a mission to collect emperor penguin eggs that is the most harrowing undertaking for the most useless purpose about which I have ever read. Cherry-Garrard and two others went out in the austral winter, when temperatures ranged from minus 40 to minus 77 Fahrenheit, pulling their own heavy sledge for 60 miles, losing their tent in a gale then finding it by luck that saved their lives, then trudging back with their three eggs.
Their fur sleeping bags froze so hard it could take them an hour to get into them. A helmet of ice would form over their faces and heads from their breath as they walked. Their fingers would freeze hard and white in seconds when they took off their mittens.
That monthlong “winter journey” was the inspiration’s for the book’s title, but the title applies to the entire three-year expedition, a sojourn in hell that included frostbite, starvation and death, not to mention the constant discomfort of cramped and dirty quarters.
Apsley-Garrard doesn’t discuss how dozens of men crammed in a hut managed the necessities of human digestion during months when the temperature was far below zero and frostbite could affect any exposed flesh. Did they leave the hut for bathroom breaks or stay inside it? Perhaps his silence on that subject is for the best, although I was curious.
It isn’t the awful details of early polar exploration that make me think of Alzheimer’s but the feelings experienced by the explorers over time: fatigue from claustrophobic conditions, repetitive duties and their efforts to put a bright face on their circumstances; concern for each other; and agony at the decline and deaths of their fellows.
The polar experience was a slow-motion descent, interspersed with moments of satisfaction — or, at least, relief — and companionship. It didn’t help the Terra Nova team that their overarching goal — to be the first to reach the South Pole — was not realized, as Danish explorer Roald Amundsen got there a month before them.
Where do you find consolation when years of effort lead to failure?
Cherry-Garrard found that writing was therapeutic, but he nevertheless suffered for the rest of his life from depression and post-traumatic stress, as well as various physical ailments. He destroyed his teeth during the “winter journey” with violent chattering.
Reading about the expedition is therapeutic for me, as I compare it to my own life and feel lucky in comparison. Being an Alzheimer’s caregiver is a long slog through months of worry, sadness, confusion and hopelessness. An awareness of my shortcomings in filling this unexpected role is always present.
But it doesn’t involve back-breaking, soul-killing effort, with too little sleep and not enough to eat every day. I’m not trying to survive on an expanse of snow and ice larger than the continental U.S., where killer whales prowl the shoreline and my own dogs might eat me.
Recently, after a stretch of more than two months in which she shunned food, Bella rediscovered her appetite and now has regained some strength and vigor. No one knows the reason for this improvement (although a change in a medication she had been taking for years may have helped), but it has lifted a curtain of fear that had fallen over me that we were nearing the end of our long walk together.
Now we’re back to our indolent pace, watching flowers wave in the wind and birds sail through the backyard as we amble toward our pole somewhere over the horizon.
This weekend, we gather with other family members to celebrate the marriage of our child, Zo, to his beloved. We are fortunate. This is an event we can experience in warmth and comfort and with our teeth intact.
Readings
Ken has put out a book of columns — his second — with 90 vivid stories that capture the character of the local community in a way that doesn’t happen now in many — if any — local papers. I’m sure Ken didn’t know, decades ago when he started his journalism career, that he would be among the last generation of columnists to do this sort of up-close work, giving communities glimpses of themselves from the inside. But he was, and so his columns aren’t just a great read, they’re bright examples of the way things were in the recent past at newspapers, before the unfortunate present. Follow this link to watch a trailer for the book and pre-order it.
Also, Diane Collins, a neighbor of mine who last year dropped off her booklet about wildflowers in Cole’s Woods, recently stopped again at our house to give us another lovely booklet, “Springtime Birds and Wildflowers Along the Betar Byway,” which includes her photos of wildflowers and shots of birds taken by Gordon Ellmers of Fort Edward. The book is published by the Southern Adirondack Audubon Society and can be purchased off their website and at St. Andrews Ace Hardware in Queensbury.
First: congratulations to Zo ! So happy for him.
Illness is a journey...it is uphill through all sorts of weather and obstacles. It's never knowing what is awaiting around the corner.
It's always being *on*. Hyper vigilant to every changing scenario. Hard to even wrap your head around on a good day.
But at the end of the journey , and there always is an end, you are left with the questions of what you could've, should've done better...or what you forgot to do...or if you had only....
There is nothing you could've done better. Your love and care shine through even through the heartbreak. We do the best we can under the circumstances of any given day.
Caretakers are sometimes forgotten in the throes of someone's illness/condition.
You are a hero to Bella Will, and you honor her daily with your patience and love. Be kind and gentle to yourself also.
Best wishes to Zo.
Touching column.
(Norwegian Ronald Amundsen may have been born a Norwegian subject of Denmark but he was born a Norwegian, was a Norwegian when he and his team successfully first sailed the Northwest Passage, was a Norwegian when he and his team were first to the South Pole, and was a Norwegian when he and his team disappeared on a rescue mission in the Arctic, likely dying in a plane crash or soon afterward)